• J. P. Walters

The Boomer Wars: A moment in history

Updated: Apr 24

Chapter 1

The Great Mobilization

Winter, 2019, the day the Earth stood still. The aging generation rested, snuggled beneath the covers, enjoying a well-deserved sleep. Some snoring, some whistling tunes through bushels of nostril hair.

WHAHH! Alarms, blaring from all directions, demanding that all arise from their slumber because shit has just hit the fan. Folk leap from their beds, gazing through netted windows as carnage blankets the landscape.

Boom! The first impact, glass shattering, puppies crying, Karens embracing their Kevins. The world is crumbling around their slippers with little in the way of fucks to give.

A lone Karen stumbles into view, digging through the remains of a collapsed Walmart. She uncovers what remains of her husband, Kevin, his face, reddening with irritation. Karen knows he doesn’t have long left; the creases in his jacket are beyond repair. She clears the dust and bricks from around his eyes.

“Karen, save me,” Kevin mumbles, peering to his wife for aid.

Tears drench Karen’s face, she collapses to her knees, observing the remnants of her world.

“But there’s no manager,” she replies, arms flailing. “Why can’t I find the manager?!”

A Karen, a jewel atop the crown of our society, powerless. These are turbulent times indeed.

Now, let’s go back to before the first impact. Back when we could still fathom our reality. Before the decimation of the planet we know, and love came to pass. Something must have changed, but how did it all begin, and more so, who fucked up? Before we go on, I must warn you that what you are about to read may be classified in your country. Proceed with caution. It’s time to wear our reading glasses.

The Mid 2000’s, somewhere in the pacific. The Karens helmed the front forces, equipped with fiery hair and more vapes than a student café. Their forces remained hidden at first, creating Facebook accounts and posting comedic images, usually poking fun at the younger generations. It was all in good sport, thus, cloaking their forces under the guise of normalcy. That’ll last.

Due to a sufficient lack of technology at the time, their activity stayed under the radar. This allowed the Karens to grow, and holy moly, did they grow. Day by day, more Karens were sharpening their attitudes.

It wasn’t long before word of the Facebook funnies spread to Kevins, domesticated creatures wielding entertaining golf stories and accurate immigration knowledge. This sparked the beginning of the end for the Karen armada.

October 2010, mainland USA. The Karens, in a state of can’t even, formed a blockade, cornering the advancing Kevin’s in a well-executed pincer movement. The Kevin’s were trapped, with nowhere to go, clinging to their lawnmowers for dear life. It was a tense moment, and the world was in the balance.

Before things could get uglier, negotiations took place between the two forces, and a truce was formed. As chance would have it, a new technology had provided the Kevins with an edge, Minion Memes. The Karens could keep their comedic personas by adopting this superior tech into their arsenal. The Kevins, in turn, laid claim to the Facebook funnies. It was a testing time, but the world had avoided a nuclear breakout. All good things, however, come to an end.

July 2013, somewhere on Facebook. With Minion Meme supplies dwindling, morale was running low among the Karens, and there were already rumors of mutiny. The Minion memes were the glue that held their artillery together, and without those provisions, Karens started attacking their own. Historians now refer to this as The Great Seek & Destroy Revolution. Basically, a bit topsy-fucking-turvy.

Coincidently, and rather unfortunately, stocks in the worth of a Karen’s word had dropped only a week prior. Once safe to say whatever they wanted on Facebook under the pretext of passive hilarity, Karens were sniping each other.

The Kevins, having received word of the regional outbreak via fax-machine, mobilized their navy. The ninth hole could wait, and many secretaries were left unfucked. In a journey that spanned an entire evening, the Kevins reached the Karens, with a devastating new weapon in hand. Passive, racist, and overall, intolerant memes. A black project, researched in top-secret by only the niftiest Kevins, and a terror that would change the world forever.

April 2018, more commonly referred to as the day the Millennials tested their first WMD. Where Karens and Kevins had their funnies, the Millennials had been biding their time, waiting for the perfect moment to unleash their own weapon on a population center. This weapon is the Okay Boomer. Kim Jong Un was about to shit his Kim Jong Bum.

Chapter 2

The first Detonation

The glass shatters, no windows remaining intact as the bomb detonates. Lone Kevins shuffle around, groaning like wounded puppies in search of their Karens. The Karens, however, are gone, not dead, but in hiding. The sneaky bastards.

Three weeks earlier, Karen HQ received intel on the Okay Boomer. It was a weapon so devastating it could crush their Facebook Funnies and all lesser munitions, such as Minion Memes. The Karen forces were on the ropes.

The Karens, known for applying brute-force tactics, were outnumbered, but the Millennials had planned for any backlash. In their preparation, the Millennials struck a pre-emptive blow by gifting the Okay Boomer to the general population. Suddenly, the weapon had no manager, leaving the Karen military helpless. Thus, in a state of panic, the Karens jazzercised to the bunkers.

How did we get to this tragic point in history? Well, a new N-word arose. Yes, you read that correctly, we live in a world where that happened. A word that has no place anywhere, a word that should have died alongside those who coined it, was compared to a meme. Let that sink in.

Let’s go through what happened next, step by step.

October 11, 2019, The Intel. Twitter and Facebook HQ’s received word that something big was inbound, a weapon test, unlike any other. Carrier pigeons arrived in droves, with them, a message from the Reddit Command Force. Many pigeons died on this day, but we’ll never forget those brave lads.

“Okay Boomer is primed,” the note read. “T-2 days.”

The social media giants did what they do best, left the phone off the hook, and binged Netflix, hoping the storm would blow over on its own. Word of the weapon, however, leaked, and their users readied for battle. No longer would Karens and Kevins dominate the platforms, their passive, racist, and intolerant funnies could be destroyed, once and for all. Flags raised, beards stroked, virginities negotiable.

October 13, 2019, D-Day. Twitter’s users were the first to strike. The Karens who couldn’t make it to the bunkers, once allowed to mock the Millennials, were the first to be executed. Their comments and notifications, flooded.

“Okay Boomer,” countless messages came rushing.

The Millennials’ super-weapon worked. It worked a little too well, actually. In a state of disarray, Kevin battalions attempted to defend their masters and overlords, but their assaults failed.

“You can’t say that, spoiled millennial shit! Do you have any idea how easy you have it and how hard we work to give you the world you have now?” Kevins ranted.

“Okay Boomer,” the millennial navy retaliated.

The Kevins suffered heavy losses, and suddenly, the world took notice. Lawns were left un-mowed, golf resorts were vacant, and worst of all, intolerant funnies took the most significant nosedive in history. Their stocks were selling for pennies, and the Kevins looked to be defeated. That was until, however, the N-word 2.0.

October 21, 2019, the day the Media took notice. With the Kevin and Karen militaries quivering in the trenches, they got on the radio, reaching out to the media for help. The press, a fertile breeding ground for other Karens and Kevins, jumped at the chance to defend their kin. A third party entered the war.

News broke at the crack of dawn; reports stapled to picket fences that a new N-word had arisen. To make matters worse, the Millennials were to blame. The game, set.

Unexpectedly, Okay Boomer was the nastiest slur in history, but the Millennial navy had also prepared for this, and by prepared, I mean that they didn’t give a fuck. As far as the Millennials saw things, they’d rather die on the battlefield than admit things may have gone a little too far. They marched forth, peppering Karens and Kevins alike with countless Okay Boomers. The world was on the brink of Armageddon, and nobody could stop it.

October 29, 2019. Isn’t there some irony here? With their forces surrounded, and the media’s campaign only fuelling the Millennials’ power, doomsday edged closer.

Could the war have been averted? Could the Karen and Kevin forces have whiffed the irony in the air, the fact that somebody was using their own tactics against them? Possibly, but that’s not how things played out, and writing this from my bunker, I fear the worst is yet to come.

November 12, 2019, the worst came. Things were looking good for a while, and the dust appeared to be settling, but the media just wouldn’t let the war end. While most were licking their wounds with a sense of merited satire, the press pushed harder, striking at the Millennial forces while their guard was down. And that’s where we are today, living among the smoldering ruins of a society built by people we never had any respect for.

Thanks for reading! Please keep in mind that this is a satirical piece.


© 2019 by J. P. Walters. 

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